Pursuit of Creativity
I know I havent written for a while now, things have been so busy lately I hardly get any spare time. But I have time today, due an unforseen and unwanted error of sorts. If you know me and what I do, its not very hard to guess what may’ve happened, and I shall leave it at that.
All this while, I didn’t realise that creativity was leaking out of me. I kept postponing creative pursuits, thinking other things were more demanding. I kept loosing touch with my creativity. I always thought the culprit was time. ‘I shall get to it when there is time, and there it will be, waiting for me like no time had passed.’ Hah.
But now I feel I was wrong. Every time I chose something else over pursuing my creativity, a part of it died, or left me. Its like it felt abandoned, it felt cheated and lost. I’m sure it must’ve waited for me for a while, but it couldn’t handle the long bereavement. Can I blame it for leaving me? I guess not. I was an unfaithful partner. But I loved it nonetheless. I loved it like I’ve loved nothing else, for it gave me the most beautiful, happy and contented moments of my life. I cherished it most dearly, for I thought it precious; One of the few things I was proud of possessing.
I may deserve what I got, I don’t have enough to debate there. But I miss my creativity, my random bursts of talent, my happiness on the successful creation of a work of art. Its painful sometimes to feel handicapped, to be not able to put on paper what you want to, the way you want to. I guess that’s just my curse for not nurturing what I was given.
What amazes me is how despite this realisation and the pain it causes, I continue ahead on the path where I see no redemption.
Such is life…sometimes you ruin it yourself.